The people have had enough.

We, the undersigned, hereby formally request that Caleb Tobin grow up, stop acting like a child, and stop ruining otherwise fun experiences with unnecessary nonsense.

Fun experiences should remain fun. This apparently needs to be explained.

Private friend-group matter
Completely serious*

Official petition registry

Can Caleb do better?

Add your name to this unquestionably important movement.

Your government-ish name *

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My name may appear on the highly prestigious supporter list.

No lawyers were consulted. No HR department has been notified.

Exhibit A · The charges

The record speaks for itself.

Following a rigorous investigation consisting mostly of “you know what happened,” the committee presents the following findings.

Chronic childishness

Caleb has been repeatedly observed engaging in advanced levels of childish behavior when everyone else is simply trying to have a good time.

Ruining the fun

Fun experiences should remain fun. Please consult the previous sentence as many times as necessary.

Crimes against hygiene

The people request the immediate deployment of soap, deodorant, shampoo, and any other resources required to stabilize shared airspace.

General Caleb nonsense

You know what you did. The committee will not be taking questions at this time.

Terms and conditions

Our entirely reasonable demands.

Required by: whenever you’re ready, man

01Grow up.
02Take a shower.
03Apply deodorant generously.
04Stop ruining fun things.
05Chill out.
06Rejoin civilized society.

Upon successful completion, all charges may be dismissed and normal friend-group operations will resume immediately.